I have seen colleagues give their very lives to this business. I have seen others get theirs from it. By and large though, we have remained unappreciated through and through. We are suspects of every wrong-doing in the society. True, there will always be a bad apple here, and another there. Just like there will bad apples within the force created specifically to eliminate bad apples: - The police force. (My personal belief is, if the police force was made up of apples, by now they would have all turned to bitter lemons).
The collective condemnation we suffer is painful. Especially because on almost all counts, we are innocent. Look at the very selfless roles we perform for the society.
The Unofficial Custodians Of Gossip.
We have come a long way to usurp this role. When we realized that the Salonists were not very good custodians, we voluntarily offered to yank that role from them, on behalf of other peace-loving citizens. You could not trust the salonist with gossip. Because she would only manage to stay silent on a matter, as long as there was no other human being on sight. The moment one shows up, she'll spill the beans, plus the maize. She's directly responsible for breaking many a household. Because she can't keep her mouth shut. A salonist holding a new secret, is like a balloon waiting to be pricked. Having taken in maximum capacity. You prick her with a feather and she tells the whole world . She has this funny look on her face, imploring you to ask so she can squeal. Trust me, when a salonist has some new piece of gossip, she bulges on the forehead, with the words 'inbox' blinking to a stranger from a mile away, begging to be clicked open.
The Unofficial Custodians Of Gossip.
We have come a long way to usurp this role. When we realized that the Salonists were not very good custodians, we voluntarily offered to yank that role from them, on behalf of other peace-loving citizens. You could not trust the salonist with gossip. Because she would only manage to stay silent on a matter, as long as there was no other human being on sight. The moment one shows up, she'll spill the beans, plus the maize. She's directly responsible for breaking many a household. Because she can't keep her mouth shut. A salonist holding a new secret, is like a balloon waiting to be pricked. Having taken in maximum capacity. You prick her with a feather and she tells the whole world . She has this funny look on her face, imploring you to ask so she can squeal. Trust me, when a salonist has some new piece of gossip, she bulges on the forehead, with the words 'inbox' blinking to a stranger from a mile away, begging to be clicked open.
On realization of that, we have officially usurped that role of gossip custodian. Taking the role from her hasn't been easy, though. But finally, after numerous attempts, i can report success. She did resist, yes. But we knew we were winning the moment ladies embraced the boda boda as their favorite means of transport. So then all we needed to do was win them over, get them to talk. Soon, they were offloading to us all that they used to offload to the salonist.
Now we know who slept where and with whom. We know whose house erupted into a wrestling match at night, moments after we dropped them off. We know which houses exploded into a full-blown heavyweight category boxing match, complete with the ear-biting technique, invented and perfected by a fading 'Iron Mike', back in the nineties, after dismantling all and sundry for over a decade.
We know who (And there are many) are battered by their wives. We even know of a man who has slept on the couch for the last one decade, having been served with a conjugal rights revocation letter before Corona swept in. These many things we know, yet we keep our mouths shut. We desist from spreading rumors unnecessarily because we are peace-loving citizens, who not only pay our taxes before time, but also pay more than is required of us by law. Willingly. We go out of our way, to ensure households remain as firm as a Captain bike, because we understand that a society that squeals on its customers, is a society hurtling down to Ubers. And no one wants that. Where everyone is driving their own cars, because they couldn't trust the Boda boda rider, that is detrimental to national growth. So we've embraced honesty. Our ears are open, every time of day.
You will accuse us of not brushing our teeth and having foul-breath, but its actually you, who do almost all the talking. We simply offer a listening ear. So if anyone's breath is foul, it might as well be yours. But we don't tell you that now, do we. Ours is a listening role, a rather passive role.
Spare Boyfriends
This is going to hit men hard. But it needn't be so. See, sometimes the man is rather too busy in nation-building activities, that he'll need someone who can step in for him, in his other duties. Sometimes a man is almost always away in all these important functions, especially now that there is BBI and early campaigns. And every man's disappearance is blamed on BBI campaigns.
Spare Boyfriends
This is going to hit men hard. But it needn't be so. See, sometimes the man is rather too busy in nation-building activities, that he'll need someone who can step in for him, in his other duties. Sometimes a man is almost always away in all these important functions, especially now that there is BBI and early campaigns. And every man's disappearance is blamed on BBI campaigns.
A guy will fly off to The Seychelles with his twenty-year old mistress, and still be assumed to be in some BBI conference in Kisumu. People who are this busy, need not be bothered with questions like why wherever he goes, network issues seem to follow them so that their wives can neither call nor text them. These kind of men need their peace. Or the economy of our country will crash. Our very lives depend on these men having their peace and having it well.
You do not want to disturb a man who is in a BBI conference that has gone on, all the way up to three in the morning. If he shows up, in those wee hours, with a hoarse voice, meaning he must have been the lead speaker, do not disturb him. That's how much this nation depends on him.
You do not want to disturb a man who is in a BBI conference that has gone on, all the way up to three in the morning. If he shows up, in those wee hours, with a hoarse voice, meaning he must have been the lead speaker, do not disturb him. That's how much this nation depends on him.
So what we do, we offer alternatives for their girlfriends and spouses, for the sake of our country's economic goals, especially now that we wish to hit double digits, this coming financial year. So understand that most of these things we do out the love. Love that we have for the nation. Patriotism. That's the word. Friends, we have to work collectively, if we wish to move this country to the next level. And if anyone realizes that, it surely must be us, the boda boda riders.
And trust me, our armpits smell just fine. I mean, haven't you heard of the saying 'mwanaume ni kajasho'?. We don't stink as much as the media people would want you to believe . If we did, would our lady customers be holding onto us from behind the way they do each time we negotiate a sharp bend?. This is one of those lies that have been carefully choreographed by our business competitors, whom we are gradually driving out of business; -The Taxi car.
Voluntary Suspects
Ask the cops, then you'll know how much easier their work has become because of us. Because whenever there is a major crime, and the ill-equipped cops have no clue where to start their investigations, all they have to do is show up to our boda sheds, and pick a few of us up to "assist with investigations". Next thing you know, we are paraded to court for crimes we know nothing about. But the cops will have scored big. They will have been seen to be working. We might later be cquitted over lack of evidence but that is neither here nor there. Then the cops can quickly resume their daily fattening routines and lifestyle before bars close over corona. Simple. Their work has become so much easier now, yet there is hardly anyone willing to give credit where its due. We provide ready suspects for crimes that are yet to be committed , suspects for assassinations yet to happen.
We are the society's willing sacrificial lambs. We will keep playing that role because we realize, the role is not only a calling, it is holy. Never tire of doing a good thing, they say.
Platform For Ladies To 'Tease'.
Look. You have been alive for three decades straight. You believe you are an attractive lady. Yet the only person who has ever looked your way, the way a man is supposed to look at a woman, is that guy who sells weed at the corner. And even he, did it once when stoned to high heavens. He's never quite looked your way again, despite numerous winks and suggestive overtures from your side. Now you are beginning to wonder if, from the moment you step out of your house, you turn invisible . Men seem not to see you. You've read that they are supposed to be dogs, yes. But they seem to very uninterested dogs, these ones. You've heard that will take anything to bed, as long as it is breathing. Well, anything except you. You are beginning to develop a dislike for them. Men and dogs, including the innocent chiwawa, that knows nothing about dating or the predicament you are in.
For these kind of ladies, we understand their pain. And we provide a perfect forum, from where they can display all their wares, as we zoom through town. Men will ogle and whistle, for the skirt has deliberately been pulled a few inches upwards. By the time she alights, the lady will have felt much better. It's s therapeutic, you see. She will have confirmed that she is not an invisible spirit after all, and there is still hope to nail herself a real man. She will sleep much better, and hope that the ogling continues even when she's on foot .
Voluntary Suspects
Ask the cops, then you'll know how much easier their work has become because of us. Because whenever there is a major crime, and the ill-equipped cops have no clue where to start their investigations, all they have to do is show up to our boda sheds, and pick a few of us up to "assist with investigations". Next thing you know, we are paraded to court for crimes we know nothing about. But the cops will have scored big. They will have been seen to be working. We might later be cquitted over lack of evidence but that is neither here nor there. Then the cops can quickly resume their daily fattening routines and lifestyle before bars close over corona. Simple. Their work has become so much easier now, yet there is hardly anyone willing to give credit where its due. We provide ready suspects for crimes that are yet to be committed , suspects for assassinations yet to happen.
We are the society's willing sacrificial lambs. We will keep playing that role because we realize, the role is not only a calling, it is holy. Never tire of doing a good thing, they say.
Platform For Ladies To 'Tease'.
Look. You have been alive for three decades straight. You believe you are an attractive lady. Yet the only person who has ever looked your way, the way a man is supposed to look at a woman, is that guy who sells weed at the corner. And even he, did it once when stoned to high heavens. He's never quite looked your way again, despite numerous winks and suggestive overtures from your side. Now you are beginning to wonder if, from the moment you step out of your house, you turn invisible . Men seem not to see you. You've read that they are supposed to be dogs, yes. But they seem to very uninterested dogs, these ones. You've heard that will take anything to bed, as long as it is breathing. Well, anything except you. You are beginning to develop a dislike for them. Men and dogs, including the innocent chiwawa, that knows nothing about dating or the predicament you are in.
For these kind of ladies, we understand their pain. And we provide a perfect forum, from where they can display all their wares, as we zoom through town. Men will ogle and whistle, for the skirt has deliberately been pulled a few inches upwards. By the time she alights, the lady will have felt much better. It's s therapeutic, you see. She will have confirmed that she is not an invisible spirit after all, and there is still hope to nail herself a real man. She will sleep much better, and hope that the ogling continues even when she's on foot .
Some women will be irritated by male attention, because they've never had a problem getting it. Others would give anything to have all those male dogs, seated by the wayside chewing green cud, to at least whistle, even disrespectfully towards them. You see, then, how helpful we are to such. We help restore her confidence and self-pride. And we ask for nothing in return.We don't even talk about it when we get back to the shed, no.We keep our mouths shut, only speaking when spoken to.
Punching Bags.
Some men have never had the privilege of giving an order all their lives. They have lived the life of a lion that can't hunt. They have had to watch events unfold, without having ever had a direct input to it. No one answers to them. The wife long 'grew horns', and no longer sits up when the poor bloke coughs. She doesn't even stir, because the hunter has brought nothing home.
Punching Bags.
Some men have never had the privilege of giving an order all their lives. They have lived the life of a lion that can't hunt. They have had to watch events unfold, without having ever had a direct input to it. No one answers to them. The wife long 'grew horns', and no longer sits up when the poor bloke coughs. She doesn't even stir, because the hunter has brought nothing home.
But you can't keep blaming the lion for the annual wildebeest migration that leaves one section of the park without sufficient prey. Its the economy, not the man. But though battered to submission by the economy, traces of a lion can still be found in most of these men. But ladies don't seem to understand that, and will take very little nonsense from a man who's pockets have been plucked out.
So, whenever they can, these men take it out on us. They bark orders to us, the way they wish they were doing in the work-place or at home. Sadly, they the recipients, not the givers of orders. So we accord them the only opportunity in life that will make them feel better.We obey without question, save for a few occasions when they have trouble paying for services rendered and we have to turn them upside down, so their last few coins can trickle down. If we weren't there to receive this voluntary battering, who would such men to?. We avert untold psychological catastrophes, by being the uncomplaining punching bags.
So there you go. I hope from today, you will accord us some respect. Without us, you people would suffer untold misery. We willingly immerse ourselves in winter jackets, in the middle of tropical African weather, so your lives can be better. Do not blame everything on us. Sometimes we make our mistakes. But then again, so do you. We are an important addition to your lives. And we will keep volunteering for those roles above, and many many more that will best remain unmentioned for now.
But for now, i have to go pick up some damsel downtown, before she opts for the wretched User.
So, whenever they can, these men take it out on us. They bark orders to us, the way they wish they were doing in the work-place or at home. Sadly, they the recipients, not the givers of orders. So we accord them the only opportunity in life that will make them feel better.We obey without question, save for a few occasions when they have trouble paying for services rendered and we have to turn them upside down, so their last few coins can trickle down. If we weren't there to receive this voluntary battering, who would such men to?. We avert untold psychological catastrophes, by being the uncomplaining punching bags.
So there you go. I hope from today, you will accord us some respect. Without us, you people would suffer untold misery. We willingly immerse ourselves in winter jackets, in the middle of tropical African weather, so your lives can be better. Do not blame everything on us. Sometimes we make our mistakes. But then again, so do you. We are an important addition to your lives. And we will keep volunteering for those roles above, and many many more that will best remain unmentioned for now.
But for now, i have to go pick up some damsel downtown, before she opts for the wretched User.
See you around....
