We don't come out during windy days. Because of the comedy that is sure to follow us all day long. So we opt to stay indoors till the winds subside, thereby increasing our survival chances by a million. So after years of suffering in silence, today i will speak on behalf of all skinny men, worth their salt, because the constitution actually protects us, as much as it protects you. If you're driving along and you come across a skinny man being driven backwards by the wind, don't just go popping open your next beer can and laugh. Hapana. That's selfish. Go out of your way and help that club member get to their destination safely. I mean, if you can pull a stalled car whose owner you don't know, how much easier would it be to pull us along.
Ask all the Biblical men of faith, and you'll see they reaped blessings from blessing us. Plus, when you make fun of us, we lose more weight,... when there's really none to be lost.
The Hell That Is Dating
No woman wants to walk around with a skinny guy. This, in all honesty, is not only unfair, its outright cruel. I want to emphasize here, that just because a man is skinny, it does not mean he is skinny everywhere. Collective condemnation will get this world nowhere. If Michelle had dismissed the then utterly skinny Barrack, the way you ladies dismiss us today, who would have rescued the American gay population? Those who laugh at a lady because she's dating a man who looks like an inverted pole, make the assumption that the man is as useless as he looks. Please understand that looks can be deceiving, and no matter how malnourished a man may look, he deserves as much chance as the biceped one. Or the one with a bulging chest, like one of those pill-popping wrestlers.
Most ladies will take one look at us, survey us fro head to toe, frown, then click. Then she turns and leaves, making you feel like the Preying Mantis (I pity this insect-the male one), that's about to have his head chopped off and eaten by the one person you were trying to impress.
The Hell That Is Dating
No woman wants to walk around with a skinny guy. This, in all honesty, is not only unfair, its outright cruel. I want to emphasize here, that just because a man is skinny, it does not mean he is skinny everywhere. Collective condemnation will get this world nowhere. If Michelle had dismissed the then utterly skinny Barrack, the way you ladies dismiss us today, who would have rescued the American gay population? Those who laugh at a lady because she's dating a man who looks like an inverted pole, make the assumption that the man is as useless as he looks. Please understand that looks can be deceiving, and no matter how malnourished a man may look, he deserves as much chance as the biceped one. Or the one with a bulging chest, like one of those pill-popping wrestlers.
Most ladies will take one look at us, survey us fro head to toe, frown, then click. Then she turns and leaves, making you feel like the Preying Mantis (I pity this insect-the male one), that's about to have his head chopped off and eaten by the one person you were trying to impress.
It gets worse if your wallet is as skinny as you are. In this case, nothing short of a miracle would ensure continuity of your genes in this world. Yours will be a life of perennial starvation, and am not talking about food here. We suffer untold misery in this department. We are dismissed the moment a well-built man with half a brain shows up. Anger has been welling up inside us over the years over this blatant discrimination, and the moment Corona is done with its assault on humans, it will be our turn on stage. Because even when you manage to make a girl see beyond your bones, and she has to introduce you to your potential mother-in-law, that always turns out to be the worst day of your life. The mum will keep asking for the Guest, while you stand right in front of her. And when the girl points to your direction, the Mum will let out a scream instead of 'karibu'. A scream when all you want, is to get married. Disappointing because if this chance passes you by, you are done for and you know it.
Many times i have seen a girl i fancy and have tried to puff myself up like a puff-adder, by breathing in hard and pulling my arms outward slightly like a body builder, inflating myself . But am not a frog and i can't keep this look for good because its not real. The moment i breath out, the girl has already started looking for other options because staring at her, is this carefully arranged array of bones held together by thinning black skin, that looks like black polythene. Just like that, i am judged and dismissed as 'bure kabisa'.
Many times i have seen a girl i fancy and have tried to puff myself up like a puff-adder, by breathing in hard and pulling my arms outward slightly like a body builder, inflating myself . But am not a frog and i can't keep this look for good because its not real. The moment i breath out, the girl has already started looking for other options because staring at her, is this carefully arranged array of bones held together by thinning black skin, that looks like black polythene. Just like that, i am judged and dismissed as 'bure kabisa'.
'Picked On By Mr.Picky'.
Some guys have esteem issues. And rather than have them addressed by the appropriate authorities, they will pick a fight with us for absolutely no reason. Especially when they are in female company. Many times we walk into a social place, only to discover that its not so social after all. Because midway through that drink or meal, a well built man will walk over and accuse us of stepping on their huge toes. Or looking at their girl, the way a hyena would look at a piece of meat in the middle of the dry season of The Kalahari. And with that, the meal will have come to an abrupt end. Because the guy will pin us to the wall the way you pin a poster, while lifting us by the collar. But you see, a poster is not only flat, its also lifeless. Now, if you have to lift a human being the way you lift a poster, at least try to remember they are alive. And when they finally release you, to sprawl onto the floor, to the amusement of the lady for whom this show was all about, you can be sure our appetite for the next one week will have disappeared. Please note that our shirt collars, though they may look unusually flappy on our necks, are not handles or hooks on which you attach your dirty body-building paws.
How do you expect a lady to look our way again, if you perennially have to subject us to this kind of free for all comedy?. How do you expect us to enjoy the free for all air, if every time we walk out, we have to keep walking around people, as opposed to walking past them?.
This treatment has to stop forthwith, because who knows, we may just put on some weight one day and come looking for you. Even though it has took Europe seventeen years of non-stop construction, to complete a 75 Kilometer 'bullet-train' underground tunnel under The Alps mountains (The world's longest), its completion has actually been done a year before the projected time, so do not rule out my weight gain that fast, just because i have been working on it for more than a decade. It may take long in coming, but rule it out at your own risk.
Ignored
Many times we walk into a restaurant and at the entrance the usher goes ahead to ignore us, the way you ignore something you can't see. Once inside,it gets worse. The waiter will choose to serve the bigger guys, totally oblivious of our presence. I am tired of all the waving and the whistling, as i try to catch the waiters attention. Even when he finally spots me, he will study me first, then instruct the trainee to come and serve me, figuring that I'll have a problem footing my bill. And that I'll leave no tip, seeing as i look like I'm the one who could use all the tips I can get.
This treatment has to stop forthwith, because who knows, we may just put on some weight one day and come looking for you. Even though it has took Europe seventeen years of non-stop construction, to complete a 75 Kilometer 'bullet-train' underground tunnel under The Alps mountains (The world's longest), its completion has actually been done a year before the projected time, so do not rule out my weight gain that fast, just because i have been working on it for more than a decade. It may take long in coming, but rule it out at your own risk.
Ignored
Many times we walk into a restaurant and at the entrance the usher goes ahead to ignore us, the way you ignore something you can't see. Once inside,it gets worse. The waiter will choose to serve the bigger guys, totally oblivious of our presence. I am tired of all the waving and the whistling, as i try to catch the waiters attention. Even when he finally spots me, he will study me first, then instruct the trainee to come and serve me, figuring that I'll have a problem footing my bill. And that I'll leave no tip, seeing as i look like I'm the one who could use all the tips I can get.
So i have learnt to to accept trainees as my closest friends wherever i go. At the bank, the teller will signal the security guard to attend to me, so she can move swiftly to serve the big guy behind me. That's despite having queued for an hour. And if there is pushing and shoving, that's my cue to take a seat. Because pushing and shoving against all these huge men, is like doing so against an unrelenting wall. If you are not Dj Soxxy or Eric Omondi, then please avoid being skinny. Its a tough calling.
Suspects.
Whenever we attend these functions you hold, please stop being ever suspicious of our eating habits. True, a hungry mosquito poses more danger to a sleeping human than one that's so full it can hardly fly. But we are not mosquitoes and if Nyama Choma has run out in the middle of a party, do not always keep looking suspiciously at us. Even our stomachs are kind of skinny so we eat in moderation. We pose no danger to any party and the groom should rest easy when we are spotted by the gate .
All we are in search of, is someone who will look beyond the bones, beyond the ill-fitting clothes. Someone who'll actually take time to listen to what we have to say before releasing 'Simba', the dog, on us.
I will defend the skinny guy, till the day i put on some weight. When and if i do, i may still carry on with their defense. But i don't want to make any promise i can't keep, so let's just leave it at that . But the world would be a much better place if we went easy on stereotyping. That's what this has been all about. When you judge someone you don't even know, you do them injustice. And that's where i always have a problem with all those religious zealots out there. They will put silly tags on people they don't know, because they feel they are holier, better, more godly. Fine he's a drunk and you are not. But you are not them and you know nothing of where they come from, what they have to deal with or the reason they do what they do. If their creator still sees it fit to keep loving them,who are you to speak ill of them.
I will defend the skinny guy, till the day i put on some weight. When and if i do, i may still carry on with their defense. But i don't want to make any promise i can't keep, so let's just leave it at that . But the world would be a much better place if we went easy on stereotyping. That's what this has been all about. When you judge someone you don't even know, you do them injustice. And that's where i always have a problem with all those religious zealots out there. They will put silly tags on people they don't know, because they feel they are holier, better, more godly. Fine he's a drunk and you are not. But you are not them and you know nothing of where they come from, what they have to deal with or the reason they do what they do. If their creator still sees it fit to keep loving them,who are you to speak ill of them.
Maybe by pinpointing other people's flaws, we feel we have covered ours. Maybe its the need to crucify, as a way of avoiding our own crucification. Maybe when we accuse, we feel we have avoided being accused. I don't know. All i know is, we'd be better off without it.
Have a stereotype free day..!
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