LOVING EVERYTHING, BUT OUR OWN.

With the current obsession and craze over everything Nigerian,soon we might have to relocate entirely to the West African nation.But seeing as they have enough trouble on their plate already,what with Boko Haram kidnapping school girls and hiding them in mars,where no one can find them without first manufacturing a space-ship,i'm not certain we would be welcome.Harambee stars need not bother making the trip,should we decide to relocate.For they would be turned back at the airport,since this soccer-mad nation would obviously want nothing to do with men who can't kick a football to save their lives.That,i can authoritatively report.You can accuse me of being unpatriotic here,but that's precisely also the reason why most Kenyans will watch the Zambian football on Supersport,on the day Kenya is losing to Djibouti's second string side and drawing with Somalia,a country without a soccer stadium

Now, this aping culture or situation is making life hard for our brothers from Kiambu and Mukurweini,who speech wise, can only successfully imitate a two-year old of any nationality and race.No matter how hard they try,they will not be mistaken for the West African man any time soon.Their speech is always betraying them.The sisters are all over the 'oga brodas',who, knowing that there is a ladies wind-fall in this East African nation,are landing in droves,making more noise than the timid Kenyan man,who has been battered by hard economic times to silence.Never mind the means,when it comes to cash,these brothers are running the dating scene.The Congolese have now been relegated to opening car doors for the ones who,just a few months ago,were falling all over themselves for anything from Congo.The light skinned foreigners now have to settle for a wave,and may be a pat on the cheek as she waltzes by,with an 'oga broda' in tow.Now they look rather scary from all the skin-lightening they did, when competition for them was at the highest.Used,spent and now addicted to heroine and crack,the Congolese now have to give way to the Nigerian.And the situation is not helped by the sudden interest in women head gear and that long African dress(some of our curvy ladies actually look gorgeous in that),that our ladies have developed.

But its the Kenyan guys who,in an attempt to compete, end up looking rather ridiculous in the West African garb.I understood when we dropped our accents for the American one,and ended up sounding like the Kalahari bushmen.Even when we ditched our everything for China,i took that in my stride.But under no circumstances will i let a retired primary school teacher from Mogotio, walk past me,raising dust and debris behind him, as he tries the balancing act on this gown,that a half-blind tailor made from the backroom.If we are going to copy everything else, i suggest we leave this one out.Here is why.

West African Garb.

This gown,will almost always have this shiny look that blinds all and sundry.Its texture can make a woman's dress any day.A West African man and his wife,can go to the same dress maker and come out not only dressed, but also both looking alike,having used the same clothe material.That in Kenya is an unacceptable crime.And if you are going to show up in the local watering hole later on,you'll see the reason why.You will be accused of having been 'sat on',and therefore a bad influence to everything male.Men will laugh when you speak,not because they love your jokes,but because you look like a pencil top,in that cap that matches the garb.You will notice Njoki is not as enthusiastic  to serve you that cold beer as she was the day before. And you have no right to blame her-any respecter of decent men wear,would rather not be seen with you,in case someone decides to snap away,and before you know it,you are on the Magazine cover of a children comic book.
 You will be made to understand that in Kenya, there are two things; a man and a woman.And that despite vehement campaigns by the ladies to yank the trousers ownership away from men,these two avoid sharing clothe material.And because you most probably do have a beer belly,it will be brought to your attention that pieces of clothing are hanging on it, swaying from left to right,not unlike the traditional healer.
At the bus stage,the conductor will address you as "Pastor",before picking out the distinct smell of a stubbed out cigarette,probably stuck somewhere in one of the four or is it five arm outlets (Why is it that Pastors are always the ones being used as fashion Guinea pigs?) .Some guys,who also believe in fairy tales,will believe that you have actually been to Lagos and that, that's where you purchased your garb,to be safe from the country's fashion police.Never mind the fact that the furthest you have gone to, since your sister's wedding in Machakos,is that monthly visit to your Sacco offices.

Forgive my lack of understanding,but if you are going to pay for clothes to wear,i would expect all pieces to be properly sown into place,eliminating the distracting hand motion of sweeping the entire side mass to the top of the shoulders,only for it to slide right back down in defiance.I suggest that the 'brodas' make up their minds where they want this piece to be,because enough glasses have been broken already.Now Kenyan men are being worn by this garb,thereby rendering the council cleaners jobless,for it will sweep an entire street and store garbage somewhere in there.Its a ridiculous look,and once again,forgive my lack of exposure and understanding.Its true Africa needs to embrace its own,and in that spirit Kenyan men are risking fire and lightning, as they trot in this gown,tripping and falling all over town.In the same measure,let the West Africans start cladding in the Maasai attire and the exchange will be complete.Or strapping the Turkana stools in those garbs.

The Risks 

I don't even want to get into the risks that Kenyan men put themselves into,as they ape the Nigerian.You see the Nigerians have mastered the art of walking in these garbs,though they occupy huge spaces whenever they walk in twos or threes,because of that inflated,flowing look,giving you the feeling of a typical African,who's already late for all his appointments for the day.(You can't be looking forward to a busy day and still put this thing on). Two of them will walk into an airport terminal,and The White House will be notified of an infringement in one of their airports.But its hard for them to either spill or knock anything down with it,unless its deliberate.They are skilled.For our Kenyan brothers,the aftermath of a man who passed by minutes ago,will still be knocking down everything placed on nearby tables, long after they have taken to their seat.He'll spend the entire day muttering 'pole ndugu','pole dada',as he tries to make amends for his blunders.And if sunset comes before he's dragged on the streets by a matatu he thought he had alighted from safely,only for it to speed off with one half that remained on board,then glory be to God.Walking along Luthuli Avenue in this garb,means you'll be walking five steps forward,then you are pulled three backwards.You'll arrive home late,dirty and battered.Put these pieces of clothing on,only if you are driving your own car.Again,please forgive my little exposure.Am just a little worried about the well-being of a man who chooses to abandon the traditional,well-cut suit to embrace pieces of clothing that remind you of some African nation's flag,complete with the emblem,on a windy day.

Guys,i want to assure you,our ladies will troop back to us the same way they trooped out,without resulting to suicidal tendencies.By the time they do Botswana,they will have realized that there is nothing so tragically wrong with us,just a torn pocket here and another there that has been plucked out all together.If the Congolese man has been dumped,then trust me even the Nigerian will be knocked out too.We just have to learn to be patient,because Nigerians tend to take a little bit longer.But we must keep faith and not go overboard in search of our sisters,they will come back.Let's leave the garb to the Nigerian dude,and hope he trips and falls flat on his nose,as he goes to settle the bill.For now,that's all we can do because the law is clear about shooting people you don't like.We look ridiculously funny when we abandon what we know,in search of new territories that we know nothing about.Because one thing is for sure-you will never be better than the inventor of the game.


Kinyuagm@gmail.com